Bill the Birthday Boy

Jennifer is celebrating like it’s 1974, with lots of fun facts and historical stuff, because her birthday is coming up.

Bill of Bloviating Inanities just recently had a birthday, so I thought I’d borrow Jen’s concept and do the same thing for him. Instead of a walker or Grecian Formula for Men or Geritol, I present to you, my friend:

The Story of Bill

Born in the mists of antiquity, no one is really sure exactly when he arrived. Probably sometime after the Big Bang, since Bill has a strange fascination with Stephen Hawking.

(By the way, the authorities have asked that you do not contact Professor Hawking with questions from or about Bill. Something about a restraining order.)

There is a persistant rumor that he was found and raised by a circus family, but they vehemently deny it (don’t bother asking either; another restraining order).

This is believed to be the earliest home movie with little Billy in them.

There are no existing pictures of Bill actually attending school, which lends credence to the claim that he’s unteachable. An extensive check of school records turns up no direct references, but anecdotal evidence doesn’t rule out his attendance either.

Once past school age, Bill met the lady of his dreams, and after weeks of begging sweeping her off of her feet, she agreed to go out on a date with him. The rest, as they say, was magic.

But the good times soon passed. Unlike this Bill, our Bill has done nothing of note beyond being mentioned in numerous police blotters. But it wasn’t for lack of effort!

He's tried his hand at various artistic pursuits, including writing, sculpture, architecture, and even fashion design. To be honest, the world just doesn’t get Bill.

Still, he toils on, misunderstood and defiantly disgusting. Part of his charm problem seems to be that he suffers an abnormal number of odd medical problems (too many to link, just go through his archives).

It's not that easy bein' green.
- - Kermit the Frog, referring to Bill’s gouty toe

Here’s what Bill has to say about himself:
“People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius.”

Oh wait. That was Jerry Lewis. Sorry, I get them confused.

Posted by Ted at September 5, 2003 12:21 PM
Category: Square Pegs