November 15, 2003

Application To Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.

1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ________________

2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q _______ G.P.A.____________

3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # __________________

4. BOY SCOUT RANK____________________________________________________

5. HOME ADDRESS _________________ CITY/STATE ___________ ZIP __________

6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? ___yes ___no

If No, EXPLAIN ______________________________________________________

7. Number of years your parents have been married ________________________

8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? ______
A waterbed? _________

Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring,
or a tattoo? _____________________

(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)

9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you?



10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?



11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you?



12. Church you attend _____________
How often do you attend ______________________

13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother
and priest/rabbi/minister? ____________________________________

14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)

a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is

b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my

c) A woman's place is in the

d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is

e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is
(NOTE: If your answer begins with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low. Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)

15. What do you want to be IF you grow up?

Please Review the Following
Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of theday. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.
If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


Signature (That means sign your name)

Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result.

If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases (You might want to watch your back).

This is your "last chance" to check your answers.
(Perhaps you should re-check your response to question #10.)

Do you still want to date my daughter?

_____ Yes, please accept my application

_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house.

Posted by Ted at November 15, 2003 05:49 AM
Category: Square Pegs

LOL Ted!!!! I love it! I need copies for my brothers-in-law....(I have 7 nieces...)

Posted by: Susie at November 15, 2003 09:47 AM

Well dad, nothing like making the process of dating even more agonizing. =D

Posted by: Mookie at November 15, 2003 10:14 AM

Any way you could, um, waive some of those requirements for a fellow Munuvian? ;)

Posted by: Tim at November 15, 2003 12:43 PM

That was brilliant. Lol

Posted by: tasberry at November 15, 2003 04:07 PM

I'd fill that out, but it'd be rejected as soon as you looked at "Date of Birth."

Posted by: Victor at November 15, 2003 05:50 PM

Oh man, that's a good'un! LMFAO

Of course, when I was growing up, it was my MOTHER prospective boyfriends had to worry about...


Posted by: TwoDragons at November 15, 2003 08:38 PM

ROFL!! It;'s funny cuz it's true.
I'm sending this to all my friends with daughters (and/or neices)! Actually I think I'll send it to my nephew as well.. ;)

Posted by: Tuning Spork at November 16, 2003 12:57 AM

omg! this is so funny i showed my mom and she started bustin out laughin! LOL but i thoguth i should give this to my dad and let him really use it ! i think i would scare the crap outta my bf ! he he ! great jod! im lmao!

Posted by: *~lilcutie~* at January 17, 2004 11:00 PM

Biggest load of discrimination I've seen today.

Posted by: Bob at February 9, 2004 05:50 PM

I am so going to need this in ~20 years' time... Good one!

I'm going to poke around the rest of your archives now - if this is a sample it should be good fun. :-)

Posted by: Dominic at May 11, 2004 05:51 PM

omg this is sooooo funny my teacher read this to me and i had to show my dad. both my dad and mom were laughing. i love this it is soo funny

Posted by: Sara at November 1, 2004 09:54 PM
Post a comment

Remember personal info?

Site Meter