Spamming my way to Easy Street

I was trying to come up with a way to make some extra bucks for Christmas, and I think I've hit upon the perfect scam scheme plan!

Since Miss Cleo left the business, there's a definite imbalance between supply and demand. Plus, this doesn't rely on phone calls, so I don't have to bother with hiring those pesky clairvoyants who already know I'm not giving anyone a raise - ever.

All I need now is a small amount of seed money to purchase the email lists and software spawned in the depths of hell. Of course, I immediately thought of my friends and how I should offer them the opportunity to get in on the ground floor of this exciting venture. Anyone interested in investing in a high-growth-potential enterprise?

I've done some research and have decided that AutoSpam3000 is the package for me. In the extended entry is the letter I've decided to clog millions of email boxes with use.*

* For the severely humor impaired, this is a joke. I feel stupid for thinking I even need to put this disclaimer here, but my psychic said I should do it because of you, David. Idiot.

Hello there! The cards told me to contact you today for an important message! (They also asked me to pick up a loaf of bread on the way home today, but don't worry about that - unless you want my special "messages to me and how they affect you" reading, only $19.95 right now if you click on the link below).

http://www.easy-money-from-suckers.com

I can sense that you are a Leo. I know this because I got your name, email address, and birthday - along with about 200,000 others - on a list I bought. This list cost me a lot of money, so I need you to assist me in helping you and others like you. Click on this link:

http://www.send-ted-your-atm-pin.com

Very good. Now I shall draw your card from the deck and place it on the table before me. I do this for two reasons; 1. you are not here in person, and 2. if you were, and you sat on the table before me, there wouldn't be room for the cards. It's a small table.

Ok, your card is the 6 of spad... I mean the Queen of Wands. This represents you. Just flatter and kinda rectangular.

Now we draw the first card. This represents everything in your life that's going to happen in the next hour. And that card is the 3 of club... er... the Jester of Cups!

Now I will interpret this card for you. Remember, this is a complimentary reading designed to get you to actually pay for more of these, so the cards don't actually mean anything unless you have jacks or better to open. Also, at this time, I wish to remind you that you can influence your fate - and your reading - by clicking on the following link. And, as always, please be generous.

http://www.early-retirement-here-I-come.com

Back so soon? Hmmmmm... things don't look so good for you, you cheapskate. In your case, the Jester means terrible things will happen. Your eyeglasses prescription will run out just as you are crossing the street. Your husband will accidentally switch his Viagra and Minoxodil, which makes the hair he has left stand up on end, and he will be constantly hacking up hairballs. This will cause you to become moody and exceptionally crabby for at least one week out of the next month. Your child will sue you for mal-parenting when scientists discover that people who run with scissors are 25% less likely to get fingernail cancer. You will be humiliated when your mother appears on the cover of the Weekly World News because of her sinful love triangle with bigfoot and the ghost of elvis.

What can you do? Well, click on this link:

http://www.save-me!-here's-my-bank-account-number.com

and I will get back to you.

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This reading is a free service, and you'll be getting these annoying things every couple of weeks for the rest of your life. Don't change your email address, I'll just buy another list! Same goes for moving... that ain't gonna cut it, bucko! If you absolutely, positively, have to be taken off of our automatic "people who haven't filed a lawsuit against us yet" list, then click the link below:

http://www.dead-end-links-r-us.com

Posted by Ted at November 14, 2003 07:30 AM | TrackBack