December 11, 2003

Suggested Christmas gifts

For kids whose parents you really hate, here's a list of truly evil presents. This list was compiled will careful thought and malice over many years. Also, because toys come and go, not all of these are available any more, but are always worth picking up as a 'just because mommy or daddy pissed me off gift' if you find one in a yard sale.

1. Without a doubt, the best gift to give is the legendary Ant Farm. It comes with a coupon that you mail in and they send you the live ants. Of course the parents aren't going to do that, so save them the time and trouble (and a stamp!) and send it in for them ahead of time. You want to give little Johnny or Jenny a working farm, chock full of crawly little critters.

2. The classics are always simple things. And what could be simpler than Finger Paints? They're a whole mess of fun! Be sure to include a pad of big sheets of paper, and then sit down with the kids and use up 90% of the paper right there getting 'em hooked. This forces mommy and daddy to get more paper or - even better - run out and have the little Picassos decorating the house. If mommy and daddy take 'em away, be sure to ask the kids how they like them so the guilt trip can begin.

3. Related to Finger Paints is another classic, the Spin Art set. So perfectly designed that almost no mess is made under adult supervision, the trick here is to let kids be kids, and they'll manage it all on their own. A nice little mini-spin art kit makes a wonderful pocket stuffer too!

4. Every kid wants an Airbrush. Just not one this crappy! The cheaper the better because it makes a bigger mess. You could also include a custom hot rod magazine, and point out that all the bitchin' flames and pinstriping was done with the same type of equipment. Couldn't mom's minivan use a touch of cool?

5. Suntan Barbie, aka Malibu Barbie. When first introduced, the 'tan' was a thin rubberized spray-on coating which was so sticky that it made it almost impossible to dress and undress the doll. If you do manage to find one of these evil classics, make sure you get the little angel plenty of extra outfits to put on and take off. Mommy and daddy will love you for it.

6. The Fisher-Price Corn Popper has been driving parents up the wall since 1957. There's something to be said about tradition.

7. Barney Bongo's. These are truly inspired by Satan. Each time the kid hits a bongo, it plays the next note of the Barney song! In approximately three days, mommy and daddy will want to put a contract out on you. "They hate you. You're no friend. Ba-by sings that song again..."

8. If you know the kid is a slob, and mommy and daddy are too, then you can't go wrong with Jacks. A good set is ten metal caltrops, perfect for perforating bare feet, and a rubber ball or two to slip on. Cheap too, so go ahead and double up on the fun. Like they say: give until it hurts.

9. When people call it a thoughtful gift, they usually mean it in a good way. What a crock. If the tyke is a little older, then think inexpensive color printer. While you're being congratulated for giving an educational present, just remember that the average color cartridge prints about twelve pages and costs forty bucks. Mom and dad will need a second mortgage to keep up with junior's four-color jones, especially if you also throw in a CD label maker.


Posted by Ted at December 11, 2003 08:33 AM
Category: Square Pegs

It's a shame there aren't gifts that will annoy just one parent (namely, the idiot father).

Posted by: Victor at December 11, 2003 10:23 AM

After three years of hearing constantly what a perfect and superior child my nephew was, I gave him a drum set.
He suddenly became a perfect and superior pain in the tush to his parents :)

Posted by: LeeAnn at December 11, 2003 01:53 PM

BTW, the 'idiot father' I referred to was *not* anyone in the blogosphere (as far as I know he's not blogging). Really.

Posted by: Victor at December 11, 2003 03:04 PM

I dunno, all I was plannin' to give to kids this year was loaded Saturday Night Specials and then sendin' them outside to play Cops and Robbers. Talk about an educational toy . . .

Posted by: Tiger at December 11, 2003 09:11 PM

I think I should be on the list of things to give to little boys. "Irritating and scaring boys' parents since 1974" has a catchy little ring to it, and it's accurate! ;)

Posted by: Dawn at December 13, 2003 09:20 PM
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