June 10, 2004

Chicken and Road, Air Force Version

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road -- USAF Interpretation

Colonel: Successful crossing, well planned and carried out in accordance with my directives.

Chief: About time that thing worked; hope the Colonel's finally happy.

NCO: Changed two wings, a beak, and removed a bad egg, and the silly thing still can't fly!

2nd Lt: Look at the pretty bird!

(there's more in the extended entry)

TOWER: The chicken was instructed to hold short of the road. This road-incursion incident was reported in a Hazardous Chicken Road-Crossing Report (HCRCR). Please re-emphasize that chickens are required to read back all 'hold short' instructions.

COMMAND POST: What chicken?

Air Education and Training Command (AETC): The purpose is to familiarize the chicken with road-crossing procedures. Road-crossing should be performed only between the hours of sunset and sunrise. Solo chickens must have at least 3 miles of visibility and a safety observer.

Air Force Special Operations Command (AFSOC): The chicken crossed at a 90 degree angle to avoid prolonged exposure to a line of communication. To achieve maximum surprise, the chicken should perform this maneuver at night using NVGs, preferably near a road bend in a valley.

Air Force Personnel Center (AFPC): Due to the needs of the Air Force, the chicken was involuntarily reassigned to the other side of the road. This will be a 3-year controlled tour and we promise to give the chicken a good-deal assignment afterwards. Every chicken will be required to do one road-crossing during its career, and this will not affect its opportunities for promotion.

Air Intelligence Agency (AIA): Despite what you see on CNN, I can neither confirm nor deny any fowl performing acts of transit. Questions? Please see the SSO.

Air Force Reserve Command (AFRC): If it didn't happen on a Saturday or Sunday then we missed it.

Air Force Foreign Technology Center (AFFTC): This event will need confirmation; we need to repeat it using varied chicken breeds, road types, and weather conditions to confirm whether it can actually happen within the parameters specified for chickens and the remote possibility that they might cross thruways designated by some as 'roads.'

Air Combat Command (ACC): The chicken should log this as a GCC sortie only if road-crossing qualified. The crossing updates the chicken's 60-day road-crossing currency only if performed on a Monday or Thursday or during a full moon. Instructor chickens may update currency any time they observe another chicken cross the road.

Pacific Air Force (PACAF): We don't have chickens yet, as they haven't been funded. The latest projection is for chickens in FY2002, at which time they will be WRM assets assigned to ACC.

Air Mobility Command (AMC): The purpose is not important. What is important is that the chicken remained under the OPCON of USCINCTRANS and did not CHOP to the theater on the other side of the road. Without CHOPing, the chicken was able to achieve a seamless road-crossing with near perfect, real-time in-transit visibility.

Tanker Airlift Control Center (TACC): We need the road-crossing time and the time the chicken becomes available for another crossing.

Air Force Materiel Command (AFMC): Recent changes in technology, coupled with today's multipolar strategic environment, have created new challenges in the chicken's ability to cross the road. The chicken was also faced with significant challenges to create and Develop core competencies required for this new environment. AFMC's Chicken Systems Program Office (CSPO), in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM) CSPO helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes, and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program management framework. The CSPO convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and retired chickens along with MITRE consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge and capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, mission-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified Mission Need Statement and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. The Chicken Systems Program Office helped the chicken change to continue meeting its mission requirements.

C-130 CREWMEMBER: Just put the darn chicken in back and let's go.

C-141 CREWMEMBER: I ordered a #4 with turkey and ham, NOT Chicken! Besides, where the heck are my condiments?! We ain't taking off til' I get my condiments!!!

AWACS CREW: Due to our being in a turn at that precise moment, we have no confirmation of any chickens in the area at that time.Our ACE advises that such an event is extremely unlikely, in any case.

FIGHTER JOCK: Look, dude, that was the frag, OK? I've flown my 1.0 for the day and I ain't got time for any more questions!

F-117 PILOT: Wasn't that great! I snuck up on it at 2 feet AGL at 600 knots, illuminated its tail feathers with the laser designator, and 'goosed' it before it even knew I was there!

B-1 CREW: Missed the whole show: We had an IFE so we couldn't get out to see it; you'll have to ask the SOF.

CHECKMATE: The chicken used its unique ability to operate in 2 dimensions to bypass the less important strategic rings on this side of the road and strike directly into the heart of the enemy, destroying the will of the enemy to fight and ending the conflict on terms favorable to the chicken.

CONGRESS: The chicken appears to be an efficient substitute for F-22s!

Posted by Ted at June 10, 2004 06:19 AM
Category: Square Pegs

Forgot expenses...

Posted by: Anonymous Kyle at June 10, 2004 08:17 AM

expenses are easy: hammer, one each - $500.00

Posted by: Ted at June 10, 2004 09:13 AM


Don'tcha mean "hand held, wooden shafted, metal-headed, cylindrical metal fastener driving and pulling device"?


Posted by: Stevie at June 11, 2004 02:28 PM
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