June 26, 2004

Choking your chicken

Flipping the zippy, pounding yer pud, spanking the monkey, etc. Whatever you call it, it's all just snazzier ways of saying "male masturbation" (how sterile and clinical that sounds!). The first time I ever heard it called "choking your chicken" was in Basic Training, and it was one of our drill sergeant's favorite phrases.

I had a boss once who's still a very good friend. He was single, and made no bones about it - he beat off frequently. During our smoke breaks at work we'd get into some of the damndest conversations - "that older sister on The Wild Thornberry's, I bet she'd be a demon in bed" - and my boss would smile and say, "I've got to go be alone with myself now."

I used to tease him about it all the time. I'd tell him he jerked off so often that he kept a picture of his right hand in his wallet.

He used his left hand sometimes just so he could pretend he was with a stranger.

For him, foreplay was kissing and licking his fingers.

Got any good one-liners or anecdotes? Put 'em in the comments. Don't be shy, we all know it's stuff that's happened to your 'friend'. Uh-huh, sure.

And just to be crass, here's a related Helen Keller joke:

Q: Why did Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?

A: So she could moan with the other.

Posted by Ted at June 26, 2004 07:48 AM | TrackBack

Five-Finger Knuckle Shuckle

Posted by: Mookie at June 26, 2004 09:39 AM

Whipping your mule...

Lappin your lemon...

There's a website somewhere out there that lists all the male and female terms... pretty funny stuff.

Posted by: Madfish Willie at June 26, 2004 02:52 PM

How about this annika-dote.

Posted by: annie at June 29, 2004 06:29 PM

choke the chicken, bop the bologney, cpank the monkey, wax the dolphin, thaw the hotdog, buff the banana, burp the worm, please the pisser, tease the weenie, tickle the pickle, five-knuckle shuffle

Posted by: dfghdsf at July 7, 2004 01:14 AM

"Waxing the Dolphin!"

Posted by: Dave Hughes at September 13, 2004 10:16 AM

choking the bald guy until he pukes,tenderizing your tube steak,sacraficing sperm to the God of loney nights,dating Rosie palms and her five slut sisters

Posted by: Mike at September 15, 2004 02:35 AM
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