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1. BIKE SEATS
Their primary purpose is to be straddled. Is it any wonder we want to be reincarnated as one?
2. GIRLS FIGHTING
Cursing, crying, pulling hair, throwing drinks, abusing bathroom attendants and being convicted of assault: sexy. A mug shot with a tear-streaked face: even sexier.
3. THE AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE YOU HEAR WHEN YOU DIAL 4-1-1
"I think you said, 'Spank me hard.' Is this correct? To confirm, press 1 or say yes."
4. GYNECOLOGY
Very serious matter, seven years of training, blah, blah, blah...We just want a set of those stirrup things. Think they can be rented for private parties?
5. LEOPARD PRINTS
Because they say, "I really do not care." Just add vodka and Bon Jovi for a down-and-dirty good time.
6. OUR FRIENDS' MOMS
They were hot when we were 13 and didn't know any better. Then we grew out of it - only to grow back into it. We were right the first time.
7. GIRLS HUGGING
Look! Their nipples are almost touching! Damn those blouses!
8. WOMEN DRESSED AS MEN
Either lolling around in our shirts the morning after or doing the full drawn-on-mustache cigar-suit thing. It's like Groucho Marx with a vagina.
9. SHOE-STORE EMPLOYEES TYING YOUR LACES
It was the most mind-blowingly erotic experience of our young lives. Now we have to buy $500 shoes for the pleasure. At least we're smart enough to ask for double knots.
10. FEMALE BARTENDERS
If we passed them on the street, we wouldn't look twice. But put them in a dark room and in charge of beer and suddenly we're babbling idiots. And not just because we're wasted out of our mind. Well, it's not totally because we're wasted out of our mind.
11. FEMALE POLICE OFFICERS
Beneath the stern expression, starched shirt and firearm is the soft, yielding, lightly scented flesh of a woman. A woman who could shoot us if we looked at her the wrong way. Ideally, while we're handcuffed to the headboard.
12. PREGNANT WOMEN
Because their boobs get even bigger. And because they're broadcasting to the entire world that they just had sex.
13. FAT GIRLS
We come for the cleavage. We stay for the sex. We leave in shame - satiated shame.
14. SCHOOLGIRL UNIFORMS
Especially when worn by Japanese girls. White socks optional. Pigtails essential. It's not a fetish if 100 percent of men like it - it's a law of nature.
15. JESSICA RABBIT
If she lets a stuttering bunny take a crack at her, it means we might actually have a chance. But unfortunately, we're not a cartoon. Hear that, Lucy Van Pelt? There's no way that's our baby!
16. HELENA BONHAM CARTER IN PLANET OF THE APES
Yes, a monkey girl. Is that so wrong? Know what? Watch a female ape eat a banana and get back to us.
17. CONDOM INSTRUCTIONS
Not that we need instruction, but the detailed language and explicit diagrams make us want to try it right now. (And don't think we won't.) They're also good for a little light bathroom reading.
18. WOMEN WHO HATE US
Particularly if they've belittled us in front of our friends, called us ugly and/or gay and are going out with much better-looking, manlier men than us. Those girls are as hot as our confidence is shattered.
19. CAROLYN FROM THE APPRENTICE
She's like a female cop, but with an extra dash of fascism.
20. LINGERIE DEPARTMENTS
Not the lingerie itself, but rather the notion that we might get a sales girl so wildly turned on by our blithely fingering the same undies she's wearing that she has to enact her fantasy of raunchy sex with a total stranger in the nearest dressing room. (Preferably, that stranger would be us.)
21. BURQAS
We hear that women who wear them also sport ultrasexy lingerie underneath, reserved for the eyes of their husbands. Now that's all we can think about. Allah, please forgive us! And angry husbands, don't stone us!
22. TAN LINES
The pale parts look even more naked next to the tanned parts. This also works with sock marks and bra indentations.
23. FEMALE COLLEAGUES BENDING OVER
You respect her. She respects you. Then you stare at her ass crack like it's the Grand Canyon.
24. VISIBLE PANTY LINES
Because they're visible! And they're panties!
25. HORSEBACK RIDING
Expert thighs clamped around hard, quivering muscle? Ass-whipping? Steamy snorting? Notorious for giving young women their first orgasms? Bareback and mounting? If that's not sublimated sex, then neither is Kathy Bates' nude hot-tub scene in About Schmidt.
And as an added bonus, in the extended entry are Five Things We Should Find Sexy...But Don't.
1. FEMALE EJACULATION
The only thing she should be squirting is perfume. Or mace.
2. SEX AND THE CITY
One's an actual lesbian, and they don't even work it in? We wuz robbed!
3. WOMEN WHO LIKE FOOTBALL
Next thing you know, they'll be farting and stealing our Cheetos.
4. SPOONING
Cuddling is only hot when penetration is involved.
5. JULIA ROBERTS
Unless you have a horse fetish.
I dated a girl once who was in love with leopard print. She had leopard print everything - I mean, EVERYTHING. It was definitely very sexy... Especially when vodka was added.
Posted by: Daniel at December 14, 2004 07:50 AMHell, female police officers make *me* hot!
Posted by: dawn at December 14, 2004 10:29 AMThis is so-o-o-o-o begging for a fisking! ;)
Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 14, 2004 10:50 PMFor those asking, yes, this came to me via email and I did minor editing. It was too funny not to post.
Spork, my friend, you are so-o-o-o wrong about tan lines. ;)
Posted by: Ted at December 17, 2004 09:04 PMHELENA BONHAM CARTER IN PLANET OF THE APES
No. Two words: Michael Jackson.
That freak ruined a perfectly good monkey girl for me. Why couldn't they have made her blonde?
Posted by: McGehee at December 17, 2004 11:14 PMHowsabout Rae Dawn Chong in 'Quest For Fire'? Can't understand a damn word, and best first aid for a dick bite, ever.
Posted by: Bane at December 18, 2004 06:42 PMThese were actually in an issue of Stuff Magazine.
Posted by: Chris at December 29, 2004 08:02 PMThanks for the attribution Chris. Like I said, I got them in an email, now I'll have to check out Stuff, since they obviously have someone who can write excellent comedy.
Posted by: Ted at December 29, 2004 08:13 PMWhat I think is sexy is....red hair and white skin....mmmmmmmmmm
Posted by: xllx~H4ck3r~xllx at January 1, 2005 11:45 PMI love women dressed as men. Check out the 1984 TV movie "Her Life As a Man," starring Robyn Douglass. She is so incredibly hot.
Posted by: shadow at March 14, 2005 04:13 PMThe only thing i don't find sexy is a liar and cheater and that is seriously pussywhip...hmmmm whos that directed too.....stan?
Posted by: Melinda at September 11, 2005 09:18 PM