The Secret Method of Billy Joe Jim Bob's Beer Brewing Method

Alrighty, here's the deal. There's nothing that warms an ol' rebel's heart more than an afternoon in front of the TV watching NASCAR (God Bless Dale Earnhardt) and pouring down a few cold ones with your buddies.

'Cept, you know, them beers get a might expensive buyin' 'em all in one batch, and it's downright embarrassing when your girlfriend's rugrats bitch about how all their friends get milk on their cereal and not tap water. But a man has got to keep his priorities straight. 'Sides, you like the little ankle-biters ok, but it ain't like they's yours, right?

So a while back, while engaged in some comfortable spectatin' with my neighbors Lee and Bobby, I got to ponderin' the situation. Spurred on by the fact that Lee can suck down the suds quicker than a dee-hydrated camel at the waterhole, I think I've come up with a solution that's so simple it's a wonder someone hasn't already made a million dollars from it.

I tried, believe me I tried. After figuring out all the angles, I wanted to get some legal advice 'cuz I was thinking that I could sell the process on TV like one of those late-nite hucksters (fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times, I'll learn. Fool me four times, well, eventually).

Not knowing a real lawyer, I talked to my girlfriend's cousin's brother-in-law. He ain't exactly a lawyer, but he's got all kinds of legal knowlege on account of going to the police acadamy almost all the way through twice before getting blind drunk one weekend and getting busted for throwing a brick through the window at the local Stop'n'Shop 'cuz he was dying for pork rinds at 4am. It's a good thing the silent alarm went off, 'cuz when the cops showed up he was sitting on the floor inside, stuffing his face, and there's this puddle of blood spreading around him from almost turning hisself into a gelding trying to get through that busted window.

Anyways, he says that in his opinion, my process ain't sellable on TV. That's good for you, because instead of having to pay one of my standing-by operators $29.95, you gets it right here for free. I'll jes' have to settle for the happiness of knowin' that I helped others (and if that makes you feel bad, there's a tip jar over on the right).

So what the hell am I talking about? My process (don't "process" sound more scientific than "plan"?) is garunteed, uh, gaurentee-... my process will make sure that you have plenty of quality beer on hand all the time. Enough to keep Bobby and Lee in kick-ass suds through a weekend of NASCAR (God Bless Dale Earnhardt), and on top of all that, you'll get free beer to boot!

First up, don't tell anyone what you're doing. Wait, that ain't exactly right. What I mean is don't tell anyone what you're *really* doing. What you do want to tell your friends is that you got one of those home brewed beer setups as a gift, so you're going to try it out.

Here's where a little seed money is needed. Don't worry, it'll pay for itself in spades. Buy a couple of cases of good beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon is good enough. You also need a fifth of cheap bourbon, Ten High is cheap enough. Next, go onto eBay and get you a beer brewing kit. You don't care if the fixin's are there, what you're looking for is the biggest brewing container you can find. Around your friends, always refer to it as the "brewing vessel", it'll impress and confuse them. Also mention that you're tapping it before the next race, and they're welcome to help you sample your arts. Tell them this around Wednesday or so, on bowling night.

On Saturday, call 'em all up and let them know that you sampled the beer and wound up going to the doctor. The beer is fine, but you're allergic to the special hops that came with the kit, so you can't drink it.

Here's where you're gonna have to sell it a little bit. Your friends are gonna figure that since you can't drink it, it's just more for them, right? And if they don't drink it, you'd just throw it out, right? (that's alcohol abuse right there) What you need to make clear is that they have to bring a case of regular ol' beer with them for you to drink while they partake of your homebrew. Don't forget to mention that according to the test that came in the kit, this is some high-octane alcohol content beer too. If they express reluctance at bringing beer for you, pretend that you're sick and that you're probably going to cancel plans to watch NASCAR (God Bless Dale Earnhardt) this weekend with them. Also let them know that you let the mailman sample a glass and he offered to pay you for a gallon jug of it before he staggered off to finish his route.

The point is, lay it on thick, but don't get too elaborate. You want them to feel like a case of good beer (like Pabst) is a small price to pay for your homebrew.

Oh yeah, let 'em know that you've decided to call your beer "Saint Dale's Backstretch Brew". That alone oughta set the hook.

So everyone has agreed to bring beer for you, and now it's time for you to whip up a batch of "Saint Dale's". Take two cases of good beer (like Pabst) and pour it into the vessel. Then add about 4 drops of red food coloring, and 3 of blue. This'll darken it up some so your buds won't recognize the PBR by the color. Next add half of that bourbon to the mix and stir the whole thing up right. It'll help if you keep the vessel in a really dark room. Makes it harder to see that it's not really hooked up to anything, plus you can tell your friends that light is bad for brewing beer. Trust me, they'll nod knowingly at that.

So while watching NASCAR (God Bless Dale Earnhardt) with good friends, you can enjoy your usual fine beer while your friends get buzzed on your homebrew. They'll be happy to bring more Pabst for you each weekend as barter for your beer, payment for making more, and you can use the leftovers from the weekend to whip up another batch of "Saint Dale's Backstretch Brew". Cut back on the bourbon after the first week or two, 'cuz by then they'll be convinced that it's good stuff and you don't need to boost it as much.

Sleazy? I don't see how. I prefer to think of it as winning all around. You're getting what you want, and your friends are getting what they want. Now excuse me while I work on my secret recipe for a new product: "Dick Trickle's Hard Lemonade". Maybe, just maybe, this one will be good enough to be on TV.

Or maybe one of these on a commemorative plate. Would you buy one? Let me know, 'cuz I probably should tell Eric at Classical Values that I done stoled his picture.

Posted by Ted at February 2, 2005 05:06 PM | TrackBack