Briiiiiiiiiiiiing

Me (picking up phone): Hello?

Phone: Good afternoon Mr. Phillips. This is not a sales call, I'm taking a brief survey and ---

Me: *sigh* It's Phipps. You can't even be bothered to get the name right, so why should I talk to you?

Phone: I'm sorry sir. I have a few questions to ask and if you would give me a few minutes of your time to respond it would be appreciated.

Me: Questions about what?

Phone: Political issues.

Me: Go for it.

Phone: First, sir, some demographic information (asks about age, sex, zip code, etc., smooth sailing right up until...) Are you a registered voter?

Me: Yes.

Phone: Would you characterize yourself as a Democrat or as a Republican?

Me: That's a meaningless question.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a white male, raised in a christian home, so according to the head of the DNC, that makes me a Republican, regardless of what I'm registered as.

Phone: *long pause* Would you say your annual income is between --

Me: I make no reportable income. In fact, I've never worked an honest day in my life.

Phone: *longer pause* Of the following issues, which would you say is more important to you? Is it --

Me: Let me explain something to you. I decide who gets my vote based on the issues and who's position I agree with. Sometimes it's a Republican, sometimes it's a Democrat. But because of the rhetoric and namecalling coming from the Democrats and the asinine obstruction of any real debate, I've decided that for the first time in my life I'm going to vote straight Republican. I'm doing this to show Dean and Pelosi and that nitwit from Nevada that I'm tired of their childish antics and that I expect, no, I demand better from them. The Republicans could run Charles Manson for office, and right now I'd vote for him over Jesus Christ himself to make this point. Change the Democratic leadership and offer me some reasonable and rational alternatives, or I keep protesting with my vote.

Phone: *pause long enough to make me think he's hung up* Senator Reid.

Me: Excuse me?

Phone: The Senator from Nevada is Senator Reid.

Me: Well, you know what they say: the only things in Nevada are cactus and hookers. The man is a saguaro-sized prick, but he's got the ethics of a Vegas whore.

Phone (gallant attempt at a closing rally): Thank you Sir, for taking the time to respond --

Me: Nothing personal, son, but I want you to note that I'm pissed about what is happening and what I'm hearing.

Phone (pressing on): -- for taking the time to respond to this survey.

Me: Democrat.

Phone: Pardon?

Me: I'm a lifelong registered Democrat. *click*

I feel like I'm pissing into the wind, but you've gotta make the attempt.

Posted by Ted at July 5, 2005 04:45 AM | TrackBack
Category: Square Pegs