September 13, 2005

Movies on my "want to see" list

Ever read a movie synopsis that really reached out and grabbed you? Here are a few that I've noted. Some I've already seen, some I haven't.

Sore Losers - They wanted meat, so they ate the flower children! Hot rod juvenile delinguents and amazons from outer space have come to Memphis to kill hippies! As it were drained directly from the big throbbing vein of super 60's sexploitation movies, Sore Losers is an acid flashback thrill ride! Move over Quentin Tarentino, they don't make 'em like this anymore!

Now movies like this piss me off because I know that after reading that awesome description, I'm going to be disappointed. I set myself up for the heartbreak every time.

Stigma - Philip M. Thomas stars as Dr. Calvin Crosse, an ex-convict doctor just out of medical school. When Dr. Crosse returns home to his small New England town to set up a medical practice, things go drastically wrong. Long ago, the sheriff (Peter H. Clue) of the town infected Dr. Crosse’s wife with syphilis. The disease spread to their unborn daughter, and now an adult, and very contagious, the daughter (Josie Johnson) has been having group sex with the town’s young people in order to pay the old man back for his crimes. The doctor has to treat her victims and track down the disease’s source.

So what do you think? Convict movie? Medical drama? Crime thriller? Deviant sex expose? I'm hopeful on so many levels.

Pizza Wars - San Jose State professor Babak Sarrafan directed the comedy Pizza Wars. After freeing a genie (Elliott Peele) from a bong, brothers Cornelius (Omar Miller) and Scooter (Andy Sims) are granted the traditional three wishes. They transform the oregano in their family pizza recipe into marijuana. Business at the restaurant hits an all time high, arousing the jealousy of other pizzerias in the area that each fight back in their own unique style.

I own this one. It's odd but pretty darn funny. Kind of a modern, darker Cheech and Chong movie.

Shaker Run - With the accidental discovery of a lethal bio-agent at her research facility, Dr. Christine Ruben (Lisa Harrow) decides to double cross her own government by stealing the deadly formula to keep it out of the clutches of the military! To make her rendezvous with some confederates who promise to get her out of the country, she recruits daredevil driver Judd Pierson (Cliff Robertson) and his partner Casey Lee (Leif Garrett), who are down on their luck and take the job without knowing what they're getting into. Thus begins a wild thrill ride across scenic New Zealand with evil pursuers on the ground and in the air, and the fate of the human race in the trunk of the car.

Those evil New Zealander bastards, messing with lethal bio-agents. Good thing America had Cliff Robertson and Leif Garrett around... uh... Leif Garrett? And isn't New Zealand an island? If you wanted to get out of the country, wouldn't you want to hire a pilot instead? There'd better be some gratuitous nudity in this one, that's all I can say.

Run Virgin Run - A blacksmith in a remote mountain village services the local women to their complete satisfaction, but when he expresses his desire for a virgin they fear he will leave for the city. If they hope to keep him around they must find him a virgin.

I'm seriously thinking about a career change. Unless the virgin has a baby afterwards and it runs around bleating "da-a-a-a-a-a-d".

Graveyard Tramps - They'll love the very life out of your body! A powerful cosmic force is turning earth women into queen bees who kill men by wearing them out sexually. This wonderfully enjoyable, campy sci-fi film was called "A guilty pleasure" by Siskel and Ebert. This film is also known as "Invasion of the Bee Girls."

I was all hyped by this one, right up until the last line. Invasion of the Bee Girls? I already own it. *sigh*

It's good though!

Track of the Moon Beast - During a meteor storm, a fragment strikes Paul Carlson, burying itself deep in his skull. An unpleasant side-effect develops causing Paul to mutate into a giant reptilian monster at night and go on murderous rampages.

Don't you hate when that happens?

Angels: Hard as They Come - A band of schizo bikers meets a van of wasted hippies in a weird ghost town, and their mutual anarchy evolves into a free-form orgy. This biker movie glows with raw, primitive energy, rustic location shooting, a progressive rock score, and a group of the most unscrubbed characters you're ever likely to see. A fascinating 70's look at hippy culture vs. biker culture, the two groups seem originally destined for compatibility, with goal-less philosophy and wandering, nomadic lifestyle, but the disparity between the pacificism of the hips and impulsive, war-like misery of the alcoholic bikers soon erupts into all- out war symbolized by the rape/murder of a hippie chick. The stoned losers roll between angry despair and reckless bravado, ending in mutual impasse that reinforces their elemental hopelessness. This film powerfully discloses the disintegration of a culture that feeds on its own spiritual rootless ness. The verite camera style and the earthy realistic dialogue, along with generous doses of nudity and violence, make this a startling, disturbing ultimately haunting experience. Starring Gary Busey, Scott Glenn...

Aside from the title, which is straight out of hardcore porn, the producer obviously spent a good bit of the budget on a writer for that blurb. Or maybe he knew an aspiring writer. Or a psychology student. Anyways, get past the "angry despair and reckless bravado" and "elemental hopelessness" nonsense, and the important part to remember is naked chicks. Gary Busey's appearance here is proof positive that there was brain damage done in his helmetless motorcycle accident. And Scott Glenn? Leif Garrett must've been busy.

Inbred Rednecks - Get ready for a cockfightin’, beer-drinkin’, ass-whoopin’ good time! This outrageous comedy is the winner of three individual awards, including Hollywood Online’s Top Underground Film of 1998! Billy Bob, Clovis and Bubba have a dream: to strike it rich cockfighting their enormous rooster, cleverly named Bigass Rooster, across North Carolina and Tennessee. But when they defeat the villainous Monty, the enraged redneck and his bumbling thugs decide to steal Bigass, earning some quick dough and beloved revenge at once.

Enhance your viewing experience by wearing a sweaty wife-beater t-shirt and three-day stubble. Now shut yer yap and fetch me a Pabst Blue Ribbon. Yep. Fo' sho'.

Cornman - A laughable loser stumbles into a bucket of toxic waste in a cornfield and gains the ability to communicate with corn. He obtains the sidekicks and spandex necessary to become a superhero and vows to protect the corn from the evil villain Dr. Hoe. This one-armed-hoe-bad-guy enlists the aid of a giant mutant-hybrid-freak and several crappy foot soldiers in an attempt to dominate ALL THE CORN IN THE WORLD!

This probably seemed like a good idea at the time, which is why it should be shown in every school as part of the "this is why you shouldn't smoke dope" curriculum.

Drums in the Deep South - The Civil War is the battle ground for emotions and loyalties when best friends Clay Clayburn (James Craig I) and Will Denning (Guy Madison) graduate from West Point only to find themselves fighting on opposite sides of the Civil War. When two men meet each other in combat, neither knows it, as each is in an artillery position hundreds of yards from the other!

Now that's suspense. Two friends in the same general area without realizing it. Oh, be still, my heart!

Crash of the Moons - This feature-length film is culled from three episodes of the classic science fiction TV series Rocky Jones, Space Ranger. Two planets are headed for collision, and Rocky Jones and his team race to prevent the catastrophe.

"Rocky Jones"? Never heard of him before. Honest!

Warning from Space - A race of aliens shaped like giant muppet starfish have come to warn us that a rogue planet is on a collision course with earth. As the planet approaches, its gravity wreaks all sorts of havoc with weather and tides. Earth scientists join forces with the five-pointed alien visitors in hopes of saving the world.

Muppet Starfish?!?!?! Oh baby, I am so there!!! I was pleased to find that I already own this one in one of my collections, but haven't had a chance to see it yet.

Posted by Ted at September 13, 2005 05:45 AM | TrackBack
Category: Cult Flicks

lol! u made my morning w/these.

Posted by: michele at September 13, 2005 09:16 AM

Ah yes, Invasion of the Bee Girls. Saw that one on the late-late-late show. :)

Posted by: Pixy Misa at September 13, 2005 11:13 AM

Okay, moviemeister, got a trivia question for ya.

When I was about knee-high to a glassblower I saw a movie on TV starring muppets. I think the only I recognized was Kermit. It was about an evil queen with a magic scepter. A 19-yr old princess (played by a human, not a muppet) knows that she's evil and so the queen casts a spell on her making her speech unintelligble to everyone but Kermit. At one one point she sings a song that includes the line "Nime ineteen, nime ineteen" to which Kermit translates "you're nineteen, you're nineteen".

I remember that this little story gave me the creeps. I'd really like to find it. Do you know what it's called?

Posted by: Tuning Spork at September 13, 2005 06:54 PM

Ted, you might have found 'em already...but I know you know about the Feature Films part of the Internet Moving Picture ARchive...and some of the Rocky Jones movies are listed there.

Did you really not know about Rocky Jones? I figured the name of your blog was many layers deep, and that was just one of the layers...

Posted by: Victor at September 13, 2005 08:31 PM

Um...maybe not. I may have been confused.

Posted by: Victor at September 13, 2005 08:52 PM

Here's one that seems right up your alley:
Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

The power of Christ impales you!

Posted by: Matt Navarre at September 14, 2005 09:31 PM

these are cool, quick where can i get them?

Posted by: jefro at September 20, 2005 10:32 PM

Jefro, most of them can be found here:

You're going to have to do some digging though.

Posted by: Ted at September 21, 2005 07:59 PM
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