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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

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A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Thanks for the tip about the River Inn. Ive been meaning to check it out, since I am eager to add some more midprice places to the Big Sur lineup. Will keep you posted. Meanwhile, if anyone else has opinions to add, feel free to chime in! John

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

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We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I am not young enough to know everything.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

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I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

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A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

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The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

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Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

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You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

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We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

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Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

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A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

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Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

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Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

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Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

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No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

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I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

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I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

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The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

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Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

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It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

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It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

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There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

I wouldn't mind dying - it's the business of having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

A hen is only an eggÂ’s way of making another egg.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Why don't you write books people can read?

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

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Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Are you making this up as you go along?

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

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If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

For if he like a madman lived, At least he like a wise one died.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

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No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

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A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

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We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

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I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If thereÂ’s one thing I know itÂ’s God does love a good joke.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

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Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Why don't you write books people can read?

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

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Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

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We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

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When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

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Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Haha. I woke up down today. You’ve ceehred me up!

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of two of your best friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

The truth is more important than the facts.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

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Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

I hoped much more from this text. I found it on MSN and hoped it will be more informative

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

The truth is more important than the facts.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Humor is also a way of saying something serious.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

I am not young enough to know everything.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The truth is more important than the facts.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

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If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Excellent article and easy to understand explanation. How do I go about getting permission to post part of the article in my upcoming news letter? Giving proper credit to you the author and link to the site would not be a problem.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I am not young enough to know everything.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

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In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

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The core of your writing while appearing agreeable in the beginning, did not work perfectly with me personally after some time. Somewhere within the paragraphs you actually managed to make me a believer but just for a while. I still have got a problem with your leaps in logic and you might do nicely to help fill in those breaks. In the event you can accomplish that, I would certainly be fascinated.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

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There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Looks like it’s finally on the verge of warm up again ! For some reason became a wild winter this season on county. Is seems as if spring time won’t come subsequently... Getting excited about summer months months ahead ..

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Military glory -- that attractive rainbow, that rises in showers of blood -- that serpent's eye, that charms to destroy...

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

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Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

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