Ripple Fire

Mookie rearranged the kitchen drawers a while back, and her 'system' reminds me of Radar's on M*A*S*H - "That goes under 'D' for 'doesn't explode'". We have one drawer with spatula's and other wide scrapey things. Like the pizza cutter. And the bread knife. After using it, I have to admit that her system works rather well.

File this one under ‘Delusional’. I heard someone on the radio actually say that Washington Redskin running backs Ledell Betts and Trung Canidate would be the next "Csonka and Kiick". That idiot needs therapy or a urinalysis test, pronto.

In the ‘Globalization Bastards’ department, Krispy Kreme donuts has announced plans to open outlets in Wal-Mart stores. It’s typical of big business to ignore the harm that their practices cause to children. I mean, what are those annoying little kids going to do now for fundraisers?

Our weekend weather forcast has completely gone to hell thanks to the remnants of tropical storm Henri. With a name like that, are we surprised by how this turned out? He just kept hanging around doing nothing much at all. Then, ignored and irrelevant, he decides to screw things up for everyone. Someone at the National Weather Service should lose their job over this, because if they'd have just named it Hank, he'd have shown up, done his thing, and been outta here.

Here’s something else that’s been bothering me. Why do anarchists have a logo? Doesn't that kinda go against the premise?

Someone who finds commonality between unrelated concepts is called a 'synergist', right? For instance, puppies are full of energy, and we buy energy drinks, so Glenn is a synergist for recognizing the potential of combining the two.

Likewise, I am a synergist for combining the idea of the World Mind Map with Bill's demand for cheesecake from Jennifer.

I feel so smart. Unless that's not the right term, in which case you can just mentally replace every 'synergist' with the correct word in what I wrote above. Then you can feel smart.

And if you really want to feel smart, read about this guy. Unless you already will.

How to Shower Like a Woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way,cover up any exposed areas.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups.
4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair.
11. Shave armpits and legs
12. Turn off shower
13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.
16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Wash your face
6. Wash your armpits
7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.
9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
11. Shampoo your hair.
12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pee.
14. Rinse off and get out of shower.
15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.
17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.
18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again.
19. Throw wet towel on floor

There you have it. Guys take more steps to take a shower. It is therefore the superior method.

“Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.” – Tim Allen

Update: Oldest daughter Robyn loves all things Tinkerbell. Hey sweetie, go check out Flitting Here & There - the adventures of one called 'Tink'. (hint to the guys: undo the top couple buttons of your shirt first.)

Posted by Ted at September 12, 2003 12:26 PM
Category: Square Pegs