November 09, 2003

Collins and the Challenge

Well, it must be the Geritol clean living curse of satan (screw you prince of darkness, I'm too pissed to capitalize your freakin' name), because today the Oakland Raiders actually almost looked like a professional football team. They beat rolled over like a dead dog against the Jets.

I'm going to eat a heapin' helping of crow now, and post my Jets Raiders jokes. I said I'd rework them where possible, so the second part will be the ones that just can't be changed because they're too Jet-specific. Yeah, I'm still slamming them some, because they still suck. Just not as bad as the Raiders.

God invented the Raiders so Cincinnati fans would have someone to make fun of.

Bill’s toe was invited to the Raiders training camp next year. It’s already the right color.

They considered playing some Raiders home games in Puerto Rico next year, but the Puerto Ricans said they didn’t need pro football that bad. Raiders fans suggested Vieques. During the shelling.

The Raiders are to football what Marc Gastineau was to sportsmanship.
And modern dance, come to think of it.

The Raiders play like they’re channeling Linda Lovelace.

Al Davis felt the need for a change, so he hired Barry Manilow to write a new fight song. They didn’t use the song, but fit him for a uniform in an effort to toughen up the defense.

There’s three things you can count on from the Raiders this year. First, they suck. After that first thing, who cares what the other two are?

And their cheerleaders, jeez. They look like a cross between the tackling dummy and Carol Doda.

I mean, if the dumbest half of the Jets cheerleaders joined the Raiders squad, the average IQ of both groups would go up.

It’s just a rumor that President Bush has given the Air Force permission to shoot down the Raiders team plane in the interests of “National Dignity”.

After the disaster that this season has been, Coach Callahan is concerned that his career is over. Word is that he’s currently in talks with Madonna.

Last year to this year - there hasn’t been that big a dropoff since the last two minutes of Thelma and Louise.

The Raiders are trying a new slogan this year: “Homeless America’s Team”

The Queer Eye for the Straight Guy team offered to redesign the Raider uniforms, but backed out after discovering that ‘tight end’, ‘split end’, and ‘wide receiver’ were football positions and not job descriptions. Several players were reportedly disappointed. And embarrassed, because they thought the same thing.

Of course it’s spelled differently, but did you know that the phrase ‘Oakland Raiders’ is phonetically the same as the French words for ‘fight to the last man’?

Gannon might become the new spokesman for AARP. I guess Bill will have to look for a new gig.

Part of the problem with the Raiders offense is that, after watching the coaches diagram a play, half the team doesn’t know if they’re supposed to be the hugs or the kisses.

The Raiders are positioning themselves to be the dominant team in that new league starting next year – the AARPFL.

Jets Jokes (and personal attacks against John Collins)

They took x-rays. Collins is not playing with a corked head.

Admit it. You miss Pete Carroll.

What exactly do you call that color? Sea green, putrid green, gan-green? The last time I saw that color, I was changing a baby diaper.

The waiting list for season tickets is long, but look at the bright side John. It’s probably like the New York voter registration, and half those folks are already deceased.

Collins bitched about having to pay to be on the waiting list for Jets season tickets. But look at how much money he's saved not having to buy Super Bowl tickets for the last 35 years.

While interviewing Vinnie Testaverde’s new girlfriend, she shyly admitted that she thought she’d have to be an archeologist in order to see a bone that old.

Face it, things can’t be going well when four of your best players leave to join the Redskins. That’s as bad as having your lifeboat rescued – by the Titanic.

A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm. The dog is wearing a Jets jersey, helmet and is holding Jets pom poms.
The bartender says,"Hey! No pets allowed in here! You'll have to leave!"
The man begs, "Look I am desperate. We're both big fans, my TV is broken, and this is the only place we can see the game!"
After securing a promise that the dog will behave,and warning him that if there is any trouble they will be thrown out,the bartender relents and allows them to stay in the bar and watch the game.
The game begins with the Jets receiving a kickoff. They march downfield stop at the 30,and kick a field goal.
With that the dog jumps up on the bar,and begins walking up and down the bar giving everyone a high-five.
The bartender says,"Wow that is the most amazing thing I've ever seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
"I don't know," replies the owner, "I've only had him for four years."

Joe Namath proved that you can wear panty-hose and still be a man. John proves that all over again each and every day.

Remember that ditch they dug in front of John’s driveway? It was actually a 4” wide trench, but when you’re a Jets fan, every obstacle seems insurmountable.

I know exactly what that feels like.

Posted by Ted at November 9, 2003 08:36 PM
Category: Munuvian Daily Tattler

Yeah, thanks for that. I take offense to the remark about the Raiderettes, the rest is pretty accurate though.

Posted by: Ross at November 10, 2003 12:50 AM

Like I said, they were all originally Jets jokes, but I had to rework them. Actually, who cares about the Raiderettes? I think they should just show more shots of the black hole, the fans are much more entertaining. :)

Posted by: Ted at November 10, 2003 05:37 AM

lol Ted, that was great. "4 inches wide" - nice -

Posted by: jim at November 10, 2003 09:19 AM

It's amazing that with all those spikes, the guys in the black hole haven't started to kill themselves yet.

Posted by: Ross at November 10, 2003 12:37 PM

Collins bitched about having to pay to be on the waiting list for Jets season tickets. But look at how much money he's saved not having to buy Super Bowl tickets for the last 35 years.

Now that some funny shit.

Posted by: Collins at March 15, 2005 12:59 AM
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