A Cornucopia of Ted

aka 100 Things

...in no particular order...

1. I was a Boy Scout.
2. I was an alterboy too.
3. I was a Security Policeman in the Air Force.
4. I’ve touched a nuclear bomb.
5. I hotwired and stole a car in high school. That was intentional, but wrapping it around a tree wasn’t.
6. I played trombone in school. My yearbook has a picture of me in a shirt that says “Trombone Players Do It In Seven Positions”.
7. I bought my first guitar when I got orders to North Dakota. I figured I’d need something to do during the winter. I taught myself.
8. I played rhythm guitar in an Air Force band.
9. I’m right handed, but can shoot equally well with either hand.
10. I completed enough classes for majors in Computer Science, Psychology, Law Enforcement, and Military Science, but I never graduated from college.
11. A retired Marine once told me that I was the most unmilitary person he’d ever met. I guess almost thirteen years in the Air Force didn’t help much.
12. I’ve been described as cynical and revengeful.
13. My wife never once got up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. That was my time with the kids. I’m not exaggerating – not once.
14. I lost a football bet with my wife and had to do the laundry for 5 years.
15. I fervently believe it’s unAmerican not to cheat at Monopoly. My wife won’t play anymore if I'm in the game.
16. The first time I met my wife, I was too trashed to stand up.
17. I played several sports in high school, but my best sport was tennis.
18. My tennis coach was very traditional, which is why he was pissed off when I brought a pep band to one of our matches. The team loved it. We won. I got chewed out.
19. I had my 18th birthday in basic training.
20. I’m very intelligent, but intellectually lazy.
21. I’ve got a phobia about math. I can do complex algorithms for computers all day long, but call it math and I go brain-dead.
22. The last time I visited my best friend, we repo’d cars for a couple of days just for fun.
23. I’ve sold cartoons to the Marriott Corporation, and been published in Air Force newspapers.
24. I slept on the living room floor for five years.
25. My hobbies are music, reading, art, woodworking, cooking, gardening, and rocketry. I’ll have projects going on in several of these at any time.
26. My last woodworking project was a wall vanity and mirror. There wasn’t a single screw or nail used.
27. When I got out of the Air Force, my commander presented me with a flag that had flown over the Capitol building. His other gift to me was clearing my record so as to be allowed to reenlist if I so desired (I had had a run-in with a by-the-book idiot at my previous assignment, which ruined my desire to finish my military career).
28. I love terrible jokes and childish riddles.
29. I was born in Fresno, California in September, 1959. Even though all I did was sleep, eat, cry and poop my way through the last three months of the decade, my kids take great glee is pointing out that I was alive in the 50’s.
30. I grew up in San Jose, California when it was still rural. Way before it became the ‘silicon valley’.
31. Both my parents retired from Hewlett-Packard.
32. I saved my money and bought my first car in North Dakota. It was a yellow ’74 Dodge Charger.
33. I had to ask what the plug hanging out of the grille was for.
34. My childhood mainly consisted of running the streets and fields around the neighborhood with my friends. For money in the summer, we cut apricots for drying, picked cherries, and sold cold soda to the migrant farm workers.
35. The property next to our neighborhood was a minimum security State Mental Institution. The ‘loonies’ grew their own crops to sell at a roadside stand. We made fun of them, they made fun of us.
36. I don’t kiss-and-tell. Ever.
37. Except for our time spent in Germany, I’ve always owned at least one dog.
38. I was a Tupperware salesman-of-the-month once.
39. I’ve written radio commercial jingles.
40. I’ve worked part-time as a bartender. Debutante balls in Alabama is the definition of ‘old money’.
41. Another regular bartending gig was for the Air War College special functions. At one called ‘A Gathering of Eagles’, I met the highest ranking surviving Japanese ace from WWII, two German aces, and three US Medal of Honor winners. It was a humbling and awe-inspiring evening.
42. I used to DJ.
43. I have one younger brother. Haven’t spoken to him in years, although I don’t hate him anymore.
44. I’m artistic and creative.
45. I’ve had my rights read to me several times. Once on my back with a police dog standing on my chest.
46. I’ve seen the Flying Elvis’. Took the kids with too. Where else but America, eh?
47. On our first date, I took my wife to see the Blues Brothers. She thought I was weird because I watched the movie.
48. After the movie, we bought wine and I played guitar and sang to her under the stars until dawn.
49. Boy, was her brother pissed at me. She was living with him for the summer.
50. After we got engaged, my wife had to go back home to attend her senior year of high school.
51. My wife is from Baltimore, I’m from San Jose, we met in North Dakota. Go figure.
52. The first words I ever spoke to my sister-in-law were ‘Listen bitch-‘. At that point my wife took the phone away from me.
53. The first time I met my father-in-law, he took me to a strip club to see how I would react. I invited a biker to sit with us for a beer. My father-in-law was president of a steelworkers union.
54. My mother-in-law loves me. She thinks I’m weird as hell, but she loves me.
55. I punched a doctor once. I’ve been thrown out of doctor’s offices twice.
56. Once I helped kidnap a bride coming down the steps of a church. We grabbed her, threw her in our car, and spent the afternoon driving from bar to bar and avoiding the groom. We dropped her back off at the church that evening, drunk off her ass. (Yes, one of us knew her)
57. I almost killed someone with my M16 on two occasions. Both justified. Both times, the safety was off, my finger was squeezing the trigger, but something came between me and the target so I didn’t shoot. Another time, I was very close to shooting someone with a grenade launcher.
58. I’ve worked an eight hour shift outdoors in 40 below zero windchill.
59. After five winters in North Dakota as a Security Policeman, I cross-trained into Computer Programming.
60. I ran payroll for the Department of Education from my house. Did their drug testing program too.
61. I’m pretty non-confrontational, to the point where I surprise my wife when I get in someone’s face. I’m not a pushover, I just pick my battles and try to see both sides of a disagreement.
62. I’ve gotten a lot more diplomatic as I’ve gotten older.
63. As a kid, spaghetti-o’s was my favorite food.
64. I built our first living room set; two end tables, a coffee table, and a hide-a-bed sofa.
65. I used to play war games. I’ve only played D&D once or twice, but I did play a similar game (The Fantasy Trip by Steve Jackson.) Played Car Wars too.
66. I once legally purchased a handgun in Minnesota using an Alabama permit when my permanent address was in North Dakota.
67. My favorite pizza is onion and green pepper.
68. Except for shrimp and scallops, I hate most seafood. I can eat food like fish & chips or McDonalds Filet-o-fish sandwiches, but that’s because I like tarter sauce, not the fish.
69. Mexican food is my favorite. I grew up eating it.
70. Soups are way up on that list too.
71. There is a Phipps township in South Dakota named after an ancestor on my Dad’s side. There was also a Commodore Phipps in the British Royal Navy way back too. It’s rumored that he helped kick ass against the Spanish Armada, but I have absolutely no evidence either way.
72. My dad was born in Minnesota, my mom in Iowa. I have relatives all over the country, including Washington, Florida, Texas, Arizona, California, Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota.
73. My Dad says my ethnicity is Heinz-57. I’ve got a bit of English, Scottish, German and a dollop of Indian blood. My wife is German and Scandinavian.
74. I was shot at twice in the Air Force. Both times, the correct response was to take cover and let them run out of ammunition, which I did. Once I did ask if I could call in an air strike. My request was denied. I was kidding, but my commander wasn’t sure.
75. As a policeman, I was pulled over on-duty for ‘disturbing the peace’ by another cop – for playing with the PA system.
76. I’ve always believed that if you surround yourself with interesting people, you’ll never be bored.
77. When I was born, I looked like Alfred Hitchcock.
78. Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing glasses.
79. I prefer brunettes or redheads. My wife is a blonde.
80. My kids could sing In-a-gadda-da-vida before they were old enough for school. I taught them that to freak out babysitters.
81. I used to teach my niece a bad habit every time I saw her. Once it was to blow a raspberry, and another time to wink and say ‘Hey sailor, got a nickel?’
82. I didn’t start smoking until after I got married. I quit four years ago.
83. We always have alcohol in the house, but I almost never drink.
84. I’ve seen a ghost.
85. I write decent erotica.
86. When I die, I want my body disposed of as cheaply as possible. Burial, cremation, soylent green, whatever. Don’t spend money on something I no longer care about. I told my wife that she should throw a great party instead.
87. I’ve had a Top Secret clearance for 25 years. The last time I had it renewed, the reviewer asked if I ever did an illegal substance, and I told him that I didn’t inhale.
88. I once had to get a NATO Cosmic Top Secret clearance. I still have no idea why.
89. My best friend (that I'm not married to) is married to a woman from Kenya, before that he was married to a lady from the Ukraine, and before that a Minnesotan.
90. One of my best friends in the military went home and became a tribal shaman.
91. I’m afraid of heights, but I love roller coasters.
92. Having kids was the single most rewarding thing I’ve ever done in my life.
93. My dream is to leave the computer field and teach junior high (middle) school. Right now, the money is just too good where I'm at.
94. My wife loves to travel, I’m a homebody.
95. I’ll forget things if I don’t put them on a list. I’m compulsive about it.
96. Snakes don’t bother me. Neither do rodents (except for the startle factor), but spiders freak me out. It’s a shame too, because they’re fascinating creatures.
97. I love scary movies and old horror. Modern day slasher flicks do nothing for me, I want to be scared. I also love terrible movies. Stuff like Flesh Gordon or Nice Girls Don’t Explode. Killer Klowns from Outer Space is another great one, so is Amazon Women in the Avacado Jungle of Death. Kathleen Kinmont is a goddess.
98. Cary Grant is my favorite actor.
99. My wife knows me so well that she can point out women that she knows I'll find especially attractive.
100. I’m a terrible procrastinator. In fact, this list has been three-quarters done for months.