December 01, 2003

A Cornucopia of Ted

aka 100 Things

...in no particular order...

1. I was a Boy Scout.
2. I was an alterboy too.
3. I was a Security Policeman in the Air Force.
4. Iíve touched a nuclear bomb.
5. I hotwired and stole a car in high school. That was intentional, but wrapping it around a tree wasnít.
6. I played trombone in school. My yearbook has a picture of me in a shirt that says ďTrombone Players Do It In Seven PositionsĒ.
7. I bought my first guitar when I got orders to North Dakota. I figured Iíd need something to do during the winter. I taught myself.
8. I played rhythm guitar in an Air Force band.
9. Iím right handed, but can shoot equally well with either hand.
10. I completed enough classes for majors in Computer Science, Psychology, Law Enforcement, and Military Science, but I never graduated from college.
11. A retired Marine once told me that I was the most unmilitary person heíd ever met. I guess almost thirteen years in the Air Force didnít help much.
12. Iíve been described as cynical and revengeful.
13. My wife never once got up in the middle of the night to feed the baby. That was my time with the kids. Iím not exaggerating Ė not once.
14. I lost a football bet with my wife and had to do the laundry for 5 years.
15. I fervently believe itís unAmerican not to cheat at Monopoly. My wife wonít play anymore if I'm in the game.
16. The first time I met my wife, I was too trashed to stand up.
17. I played several sports in high school, but my best sport was tennis.
18. My tennis coach was very traditional, which is why he was pissed off when I brought a pep band to one of our matches. The team loved it. We won. I got chewed out.
19. I had my 18th birthday in basic training.
20. Iím very intelligent, but intellectually lazy.
21. Iíve got a phobia about math. I can do complex algorithms for computers all day long, but call it math and I go brain-dead.
22. The last time I visited my best friend, we repoíd cars for a couple of days just for fun.
23. Iíve sold cartoons to the Marriott Corporation, and been published in Air Force newspapers.
24. I slept on the living room floor for five years.
25. My hobbies are music, reading, art, woodworking, cooking, gardening, and rocketry. Iíll have projects going on in several of these at any time.
26. My last woodworking project was a wall vanity and mirror. There wasnít a single screw or nail used.
27. When I got out of the Air Force, my commander presented me with a flag that had flown over the Capitol building. His other gift to me was clearing my record so as to be allowed to reenlist if I so desired (I had had a run-in with a by-the-book idiot at my previous assignment, which ruined my desire to finish my military career).
28. I love terrible jokes and childish riddles.
29. I was born in Fresno, California in September, 1959. Even though all I did was sleep, eat, cry and poop my way through the last three months of the decade, my kids take great glee is pointing out that I was alive in the 50ís.
30. I grew up in San Jose, California when it was still rural. Way before it became the Ďsilicon valleyí.
31. Both my parents retired from Hewlett-Packard.
32. I saved my money and bought my first car in North Dakota. It was a yellow í74 Dodge Charger.
33. I had to ask what the plug hanging out of the grille was for.
34. My childhood mainly consisted of running the streets and fields around the neighborhood with my friends. For money in the summer, we cut apricots for drying, picked cherries, and sold cold soda to the migrant farm workers.
35. The property next to our neighborhood was a minimum security State Mental Institution. The Ďlooniesí grew their own crops to sell at a roadside stand. We made fun of them, they made fun of us.
36. I donít kiss-and-tell. Ever.
37. Except for our time spent in Germany, Iíve always owned at least one dog.
38. I was a Tupperware salesman-of-the-month once.
39. Iíve written radio commercial jingles.
40. Iíve worked part-time as a bartender. Debutante balls in Alabama is the definition of Ďold moneyí.
41. Another regular bartending gig was for the Air War College special functions. At one called ĎA Gathering of Eaglesí, I met the highest ranking surviving Japanese ace from WWII, two German aces, and three US Medal of Honor winners. It was a humbling and awe-inspiring evening.
42. I used to DJ.
43. I have one younger brother. Havenít spoken to him in years, although I donít hate him anymore.
44. Iím artistic and creative.
45. Iíve had my rights read to me several times. Once on my back with a police dog standing on my chest.
46. Iíve seen the Flying Elvisí. Took the kids with too. Where else but America, eh?
47. On our first date, I took my wife to see the Blues Brothers. She thought I was weird because I watched the movie.
48. After the movie, we bought wine and I played guitar and sang to her under the stars until dawn.
49. Boy, was her brother pissed at me. She was living with him for the summer.
50. After we got engaged, my wife had to go back home to attend her senior year of high school.
51. My wife is from Baltimore, Iím from San Jose, we met in North Dakota. Go figure.
52. The first words I ever spoke to my sister-in-law were ĎListen bitch-Ď. At that point my wife took the phone away from me.
53. The first time I met my father-in-law, he took me to a strip club to see how I would react. I invited a biker to sit with us for a beer. My father-in-law was president of a steelworkers union.
54. My mother-in-law loves me. She thinks Iím weird as hell, but she loves me.
55. I punched a doctor once. Iíve been thrown out of doctorís offices twice.
56. Once I helped kidnap a bride coming down the steps of a church. We grabbed her, threw her in our car, and spent the afternoon driving from bar to bar and avoiding the groom. We dropped her back off at the church that evening, drunk off her ass. (Yes, one of us knew her)
57. I almost killed someone with my M16 on two occasions. Both justified. Both times, the safety was off, my finger was squeezing the trigger, but something came between me and the target so I didnít shoot. Another time, I was very close to shooting someone with a grenade launcher.
58. Iíve worked an eight hour shift outdoors in 40 below zero windchill.
59. After five winters in North Dakota as a Security Policeman, I cross-trained into Computer Programming.
60. I ran payroll for the Department of Education from my house. Did their drug testing program too.
61. Iím pretty non-confrontational, to the point where I surprise my wife when I get in someoneís face. Iím not a pushover, I just pick my battles and try to see both sides of a disagreement.
62. Iíve gotten a lot more diplomatic as Iíve gotten older.
63. As a kid, spaghetti-oís was my favorite food.
64. I built our first living room set; two end tables, a coffee table, and a hide-a-bed sofa.
65. I used to play war games. Iíve only played D&D once or twice, but I did play a similar game (The Fantasy Trip by Steve Jackson.) Played Car Wars too.
66. I once legally purchased a handgun in Minnesota using an Alabama permit when my permanent address was in North Dakota.
67. My favorite pizza is onion and green pepper.
68. Except for shrimp and scallops, I hate most seafood. I can eat food like fish & chips or McDonalds Filet-o-fish sandwiches, but thatís because I like tarter sauce, not the fish.
69. Mexican food is my favorite. I grew up eating it.
70. Soups are way up on that list too.
71. There is a Phipps township in South Dakota named after an ancestor on my Dadís side. There was also a Commodore Phipps in the British Royal Navy way back too. Itís rumored that he helped kick ass against the Spanish Armada, but I have absolutely no evidence either way.
72. My dad was born in Minnesota, my mom in Iowa. I have relatives all over the country, including Washington, Florida, Texas, Arizona, California, Nebraska, Iowa, Michigan, Wisconsin and Minnesota.
73. My Dad says my ethnicity is Heinz-57. Iíve got a bit of English, Scottish, German and a dollop of Indian blood. My wife is German and Scandinavian.
74. I was shot at twice in the Air Force. Both times, the correct response was to take cover and let them run out of ammunition, which I did. Once I did ask if I could call in an air strike. My request was denied. I was kidding, but my commander wasnít sure.
75. As a policeman, I was pulled over on-duty for Ďdisturbing the peaceí by another cop Ė for playing with the PA system.
76. Iíve always believed that if you surround yourself with interesting people, youíll never be bored.
77. When I was born, I looked like Alfred Hitchcock.
78. Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing glasses.
79. I prefer brunettes or redheads. My wife is a blonde.
80. My kids could sing In-a-gadda-da-vida before they were old enough for school. I taught them that to freak out babysitters.
81. I used to teach my niece a bad habit every time I saw her. Once it was to blow a raspberry, and another time to wink and say ĎHey sailor, got a nickel?í
82. I didnít start smoking until after I got married. I quit four years ago.
83. We always have alcohol in the house, but I almost never drink.
84. Iíve seen a ghost.
85. I write decent erotica.
86. When I die, I want my body disposed of as cheaply as possible. Burial, cremation, soylent green, whatever. Donít spend money on something I no longer care about. I told my wife that she should throw a great party instead.
87. Iíve had a Top Secret clearance for 25 years. The last time I had it renewed, the reviewer asked if I ever did an illegal substance, and I told him that I didnít inhale.
88. I once had to get a NATO Cosmic Top Secret clearance. I still have no idea why.
89. My best friend (that I'm not married to) is married to a woman from Kenya, before that he was married to a lady from the Ukraine, and before that a Minnesotan.
90. One of my best friends in the military went home and became a tribal shaman.
91. Iím afraid of heights, but I love roller coasters.
92. Having kids was the single most rewarding thing Iíve ever done in my life.
93. My dream is to leave the computer field and teach junior high (middle) school. Right now, the money is just too good where I'm at.
94. My wife loves to travel, Iím a homebody.
95. Iíll forget things if I donít put them on a list. Iím compulsive about it.
96. Snakes donít bother me. Neither do rodents (except for the startle factor), but spiders freak me out. Itís a shame too, because theyíre fascinating creatures.
97. I love scary movies and old horror. Modern day slasher flicks do nothing for me, I want to be scared. I also love terrible movies. Stuff like Flesh Gordon or Nice Girls Donít Explode. Killer Klowns from Outer Space is another great one, so is Amazon Women in the Avacado Jungle of Death. Kathleen Kinmont is a goddess.
98. Cary Grant is my favorite actor.
99. My wife knows me so well that she can point out women that she knows I'll find especially attractive.
100. Iím a terrible procrastinator. In fact, this list has been three-quarters done for months.

Posted by Ted at December 1, 2003 08:39 AM | TrackBack
Comments

Fantastic list..one of the best i've ever read!

More about #5 , I love stories about ingenuity and stupidity.

For #86, I think you should have your remains shot off into space, which can be done these days. Sending you out on a rocket somehow seems fitting.

#99 no offense, but is your wife trying to tell you something??

Posted by: jim at December 1, 2003 12:03 PM

It seems one of my suspicions about you may well be true.

Posted by: Victor at December 1, 2003 01:33 PM

Victor, you didn't read past #2, did you?

Jim, if my wife were pointing out guys she thinks I'd like, I'd be a lot more worried.

Posted by: Ted at December 1, 2003 02:09 PM

#14 and #24: the same five years?

Posted by: chris hall at December 1, 2003 02:12 PM

Ha, ha. How'd you guess?

Posted by: Victor at December 1, 2003 02:48 PM

I'm impressed and a little jealous... I can't imagine 100 things about me, even if I just made stuff up.
Maybe I'll just steal yours. Like blog Monopoly rules or something. :)

Posted by: LeeAnn at December 1, 2003 07:45 PM

The guy from 90. The Indian Shaman. He's one of my god fathers (notice one of. I have two. No god mother). If both mom and dad somehow kick the bucket per se, i want to go to him. Or my brother, or sister. My brother is under the water a lot. Hehe. Robyn, my sister, is just an air head. hehe. BUt hopefully they wont kick anytime soon.

Posted by: Mookie at December 1, 2003 08:26 PM

Victor, 'great minds' you sick pup.

Chris, different five years, but I still do the laundry.

LeeAnn, it was harder than I thought it would be. I'd be sitting in traffic and think of something and didn't have a pen to jot it down. That's partly why it took so long to finish.

Posted by: Ted at December 1, 2003 08:34 PM

"26. My last woodworking project was a wall vanity and mirror. There wasn’t a single screw or nail used."
Now, that's impressive!

"56. Once I helped kidnap a bride coming down the steps of a church. We grabbed her, threw her in our car, and spent the afternoon driving from bar to bar and avoiding the groom. We dropped her back off at the church that evening, drunk off her ass. (Yes, one of us knew her)"
Please expound on this tale!

"63. As a kid, spaghetti-o’s was my favorite food."
Dang, I can still taste 'em!

"78. Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing glasses."
Oh!! My ex used to put on here glasses when she was feeling a bit randy just because she knew how I'd react!!!!

Posted by: Tuning Spork at December 1, 2003 09:26 PM

This was great and it inspired me to do a cornucopia of Tasberry. Maybe tomorrow.

Posted by: Tasberry at December 2, 2003 09:36 AM

77. When I was born, I looked like Alfred Hitchcock.

Bingo! All newborns look like Alfred Hitchcock.

78. Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing glasses.

And nothing else :) Very true.

Posted by: Pixy Misa at December 2, 2003 09:44 AM

Did you feel,ah, unloved, in yer military career? Someone commented on SgtStryker's blog that he'd been an AF SP; that the AF people hated him because he was a cop, and the non-AF military hated him because he was AF.

Posted by: Justthisguy at March 1, 2004 03:03 AM

Everyone looked down on SP's. Luckily, at the SAC bases, about 1/3 of the base population were cops, so it didn't seem so bad. As for other branches, the only 'joint' assignment I had was at HQ Defense Logistics Agency, so everyone there was on the ball. I gained a lot of respect for each service there.

Posted by: Ted at March 1, 2004 08:04 AM

Good God, man, you know I came here from yer daughter's blog, and before that from the Geek with a .45's blog. You lunatic! That list! Owhell.

Posted by: Justthisguy at May 24, 2004 02:07 AM
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